"Specialist"

I haven't updated you in a couple weeks because I just haven't had the words to use. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving we say Dr. Lohr a psychiatrist that specializes in cases like Nick's. He is seeing us as a favor to our pediatrician and psychologist. He doesn't take new patients. It was a miracle that he agreed to take our case and we have been waiting for 2 months to see him. After saying all that he called the Monday before Thanksgiving and asked to see us on that Wednesday.



so the whole family goes because the kids are out of school and John wanted to hear what he had to say. Long story short: the direction he is looking is called PDD: Pervasice disintegrated disorder. No I had never heard of it either. It is the 5th category on the Autism spectrum. Yes it scares me and yes I'm crying as I type this. This is not something I was prepared for. Ok back to the treatment. We are in the process of taking Nick off all medications. Wow! He is bouncing off the walls and at times driving me crazy, but I'm glad Dr. Lohr wanted to do this. It will give us a new base line then we will go from there. We did not get a definite diagnosis. He will spend some more time with Nick before we are given one. I think that is what is driving me crazy. The not knowing. The other thing Dr. Lohr was concerned about is Nick's sporatic sleep patterns. He said this is very concerning. Most of you probably know but some of you might now that he will sleep ok for a few days then not sleep at all. There is no pattern to this and you never know when it will happen. We have not been able to find a trigger for it. I guess that is why it is very concerning.



I have been walking around in a fog since we saw him. I was just totally not prepared for the word autism to come up. It wasn't something I had thought about. My educated brain knows there is nothing I can do if this is the diagnosis. I will deal with it. But my heart seems to not be able to deal with any of this. I just want to stay home keep the kids at home and not have to deal with any of this. I'm very anxious and worried all the time. Having horrible dreams and just not sleeping in general. Everyone keeps telling me it will be ok and I will deal with it, but he is not their son! He is mine and I want to be able to fix this. I don't want him to suffer or have a heard life because of this. YES I know it could be so much worse. But this is also something that takes some getting used to. and I'm not used to it yet. I'm sorry. I wish I could just flip a switch and process it and get over it. I just haven't gotten to that point yet.



Tomorrow we go back to see Dr. Lohr. I'm a nervous wreck. What will happen? What will he say? Will tomorrow be the day we get that final diagnosis? these guestions keep rollling through my head. What will he tell me I won't be prepared for? will I ever be able to deal with any of this? I don't know. I just can't seem to shake it.



I wish I could just make time stop right now. The kids are outside playing in the snow, life is slow, it is cold outside and cozy in the house and it is just my family. I just wish I could keep it like this for a while. maybe until I'm ready to deal with all the other. Your probably reading this thinking I need to just get over it and how much worse it could be and I apologize for not being able to do that yet. Just quit reading and I wouldn't come back to this blog for a while. I can't promise when I will be ready to deal with life again.

Reflection

It is 12:31 and I promised myself I wouldn't stay up after 12:00. So much for that. I have been sitting here since 1:30 today working on projects for school. When Caroline asked me to help her get past a level on her DS I had to say no. When Kruser wanted to play I couldn't, when John wanted me to help clean up and get kids to bed I couldn't. My bottom (butt) is attached to this couch now and can not get up until everything is done. Ask me is it done now that you are writing on your blog?????? NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!

I'm starting to think I might not ever be finished with these 4 classes. You wouldn't think 4 classes could cause so much trouble ahhhhh but they do. It's that whole education major that causes the problems and make the hoops I have to jump through. Just so you're not worried I'm procrastinating again I'm just taking a little brain break. Trying to clear out some stuff so I can actually think. I'm getting close! In the last hour I have written 2 position papers. I think that rocks and it is 2 more things I don't have to do tomorrow. I do although have to observe my favorite teacher in the world tomorrow and so how hard can that be? I will get to be in my favorite classroom with my mentor teacher for 6 hours plus I might get to eat lunch with my little lady. Who yes is feeling better tonight.

I'm so looking forward to having all my projects completed and turned in so I can concentrate on my kids and this new dog that has fallen in love with me. (that was not supposed to happen). I want to cook a Potts' Family Thanksgiving for my family this weekend and not one time have to say I have to do homework. In case you didn't know it is a tradition in our house that we fix thanksgiving dinner usually the week before or week after for just the 4 of us. The kids get to help and I get to be giddy about making happy holiday memories with my children. No they would much rather have chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes, but they indulge me once a year and let me get all excited about cooking for them. In my brain right now I don't know if I will be finished with all my projects and have all assignments turned in but I guess that is why I'm up writting position papers at midnight to try my very best to get it all done. So my brain can be free of the unusually large amount of stress it has been carrying around lately.

So I guess the only way I'm going to meet my goal of a homework free weekend is if I get off here and get to another task. I do have a sweet picture for you. you know my babies are the most beautiful babies in the world and have completely stolen my heart. He is asleep in my arms at 9:00 sweating like you would not believe. But he is so peaceful and we can't say that every night. So I treasure the moments when he sleeps like this. You can't see but out to the side he is holding my hand. I told you....he holds my heart in his hands.

Halloween fun!

Here they are! The civil war solider and the mouse! They had a blast. We went trick or treating in Corydon, IN on saturday and in L'ville on Sunday. It is a tradition to trick or treat with the Hoagland's. We have for the last 4 years.

The "Gang" before trick or treating!

Here is the funny picture of the gang!

Here are some BFF's spending their 4th halloween together. Aren't they cute???

Nick had a Halloween paradae on Thursday at school. This is a pic of his class.

Mom guilt - message under pictures

If you are a mom you have "mom guilt"! We try to do so much and the more we try to more we forget or miss or just don't get done.

Right now I'm trying to calm Caroline down and get her to stop crying because she can't find and orange strip of paper that was supposed to be in her backpack. This is not the 1st thing she has cried about today or even this afternoon. So the guilt kicks in as I get ready to hurry out the door for school and leave my kids and house in the hands of my husband. Yes he is capable, but he just doesn't do things the way I do!!!! My thoughts are....how do I think about school when I know my daughter needs to get to bed early and my husband is not very successful at getting her to bed. My brain is full of school, Nick, caroline, and the rest of life. Like the fact that I'm the room mom for caroline's classroom (WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!)

So I spent Sunday making the below picture along with a painted candy corn on a tri-fold board for a toss game. Yes I will get it all done and it will come off without a hitch (if people still say that), but the stress up too it is sometimes unbearable.

I finally received an email from Nick's dr and the diet idea is not a good one in her opinion. Because he doesn't have severe food allergies that we know of. That is what she said. I'm torn because at least it is something to try, but Nick eats all of 5 things and it would have been extremely difficult to do with him. I'm grasping at straws here and from now until december 10 is a long time. Again this fills my brain and makes me feel so guilty when I walk out that door 3 nights a week. I do know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I feel like I'm slighting my kids.

We did have a wonderful moment over the weekend with an impromptu photo shoot in the leaves. I love taking pictures and especially of my kids. They turned out great and enjoyed it. When I was finished Caroline proceeded to take her own pictures and she is so cute. she loves to take pictures as much as I do.

Ok I guess that is enough rambling for today. I have started blogging again to try and get my thoughts out so they don't consume me! Hopefully it will help. If you don't want to read what I have to say at least enjoy the pictures!

"Special"

Look at that face! Red hair, green eyes and that look! You would never know just by looking at this picture that he is a child with special needs. This post has been on my heart for a long time. We knew something wasn't right the 2nd week of 1st grade (which has been 2years ago). After a lot of testing, doctor visits, and meetings at school Nick was diagnosed with Central Auditory Processing disorder, anxiety disorder, dyslexia, and ADHD. We started a roller coaster of medicines, interventions at school, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and psychology apts.

This year we moved Nick to Friends School and he is repeating the 2nd grade. He loves his new school and is doing well academically. He has made friends very easily in his new class and enjoys going to school everyday. That was not the case last year. Friends school is a fully inclusive school and most of the 8 boys 1 girl in Nick's class have some of the same diagnosis' as Nick.

After many meetings and much talking the team of doctors that work with us have decided Nick may have a metabolic disorder and his original diagnosis of ADHD may not be right. We will be seeing a Psychiatrist that specializes in these medications in December. Most likely Nick will have genetic testing at that time. They tell me this is the only way to tell if there is a metabolic disorder. The reason they think Nick might have a metabolic disorder is because he doesn't metabolize ADHD medicines the way other kids do. We have been through all the medicines and the only one he gets benefit from is a patch that goes on his hip and is absorbed through the skin therefore not metabolized first.

As a mom this is very difficult for me. I want so bad to be able to "fix" my son. Yes I know he is not dying as I am constantly reminded and it could be much worse. But to look at the issues Nick has and not be able to "fix" them is so frustrating. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get us through until we see this new doctor. I have decided to keep his medicines the same until then because we see crazy side effects if we change them. So I started doing research to see if there are any alternative things we can do to help him. Like diet.

I love this little boy so very much and I know God gave him to me for a reason. I also know this will make all of us stronger and wiser one day....

A New Year

Well, it has been a while since I have updated the blog. I find it much easier to post a quick comment on facebook and go. But that doesn't really give you all the information or emotions that are taking place in this house. So here we go.

This holiday season was one of the best we have had. My family went to candlelight service at a Baptist church and it was unbelievable. At the end they started on one side and everyone lit their candles and the light spread around the church as we sand silent night. The feel of that moment still overwhelms me.

We got to visit with lots of family over the holiday, but did not get to see many friends because we were busy with out of town family. So were are going to start our new year out by making our good friends a priority.

The kids have grown so much this year and in 2 short months will turn 8 years old. I AM NOT OK WITH THIS!!!!! I'm not really sure where the time has gone. I am really struggling with how fast they grow. In the middle of all the craziness I do get glimpses of how it will be when Caroline is older. The other night we were walking the dogs, just the 2 of us, and she looked up at me and said, "Mom I like it when it is just you and me, and we can talk and just enjoy ourselves." I know we will go through a rough season where I am not her favorite person or she might not even want to be in the same room with me, but I believe we will get back to the above comment soon. I love that girl.

I don't really have that type of story for Nick, but I can tell you that my boy has the biggest heart of anyone I know. It is even bigger than mine and I love, love, love that about him. He is always thinking of others and how he can help or what he can do special or just how he can make them smile. Ah the words can not even express how he makes my heart feel.

I'm really looking forward to this year....this time NEXT year I will embarking on student teaching and 15 weeks away from graduation! I can not wait!!!!! I know it will feel long and drawn out at some times and like it is flying by at others. I just can't wait to have this huge accomplishment behind me and be in the same classroom everyday with those sweet kids I know are out there.

I have a couple of resolution I am going to share with you and a couple I am not going to share with you. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself with a couple of them. But the ones I can tell you about include: 1. I'm going to be more creative. Creative is my word of the year for 2010. 2. 365 pic a day. I am going to do my best to take one picture everyday. Even when it is crazy and the picture really doesn't amount to anything I'm still going to try to take one. I love to look back at them. 3. I"m going to take more pictures with my big fancy camera and try to get better at it. I would also like to take a class on photography and photoshop (if you know of any let me know) It is something that I really enjoy and would love to continue to do.

God has blessed me greatly over the last 10 years and if I tried to list them I would leave someone or something out. You know who you are and if you are part of my life you know what they are. Thank you to my very good friends that are always there for me with a shoulder, an inspiring word, or just to be a good role model. You have been extremely helpful. I love you all very much.

I am also thankful for my family and how wonderful they are. We are not all perfect, but we are still trying and still loving each other.

HOpe you all have a wonderful new year and a great new year.